My Not-So-Big Mr. Big

The insurance tycoon who left me with damages and no emotional safety net.

The insurance tycoon who left me with damages and no emotional safety net.

What makes a man "big"? Is it his physical attributes, his wallet, or his actions? Despite my ripe age of 20, I still don't quite have the answer. In my case, what makes my Mr. Big so "big" is how much I built him up in my mind and how much space he occupies there. Professionally, the man is a force to be reckoned with—after all, he created an empire and even received an OBE from the British Queen. One of the many things I admired about him was his exceptional intelligence and drive. But what I later realized was that he was a very small man hiding behind big achievements.

"But at the end of the day, we all know insurance is just a scam, no matter how safe it makes you feel "

Mr. Big is especially significant to me because he was my first. My first billionaire. My first lover. My first everything. I met him at 18 while he was well into his 40s, which some might consider questionable because which 18 year old needs senior health insurance, no matter how sick you might feel. But I'll pull the classic line: "You just don't get it." He made me feel so many new things (not just sexually). He made me feel wanted, yet so pathetic, but above all, he made me feel safe. Our first date was like something out of a cheesy movie. He took me to one of the finest restaurants in town, boasting a breathtaking view. We sat side by side on a plush sofa booth, enveloped by the perfect ambiance. During dinner, our conversation was titillating, and by dessert, he pulled me in close as I spoon-fed him Swiss chocolate cake. Later that evening, he explored me with the same attention as he did the cake—licking, nibbling, and savoured me for eight long hours. And yes, Mr. Big was indeed BIG.

As our time together progressed, his actions showed me how little I actually factored into his life. For instance, he concealed his true identity and real name from me, a fact I only uncovered when I stumbled upon his business card. The real gut punch, however, was his audacity to say things like, "Why do you need to know more about me? I know your name, and he said this while we were on vacation together.

You might hate me for this, but even after the emotional damage he inflicted, the pain of completely cutting him out of my life seemed unbearable. Although I broke it off with him, I still send him messages wishing him happy holidays or asking how he's been, even if I know he won't reply with any sort of enthusiasm. Recently, I wrote to him asking for an innocent dinner next time he's in town, and he actually agreed to it, though I'm skeptical he'll follow through. Is  it worth paying such a high premium to feel safe?